41: What is the Knowing?

Written March 14, 2023

Next Tuesday will be the one-year anniversary of Satish’s death. It’s hard to believe. One year. 

When I started this blog, I titled it Follow the Knowing as a reference to the inner voice that exists deep inside of us. In my very first post, I wrote “Beautiful and powerful things transpire when we trust the voice and follow its path.” What I did not share was how I discovered this knowing in the first place. 

The day of Satish’s death was all the things you imagine – traumatic, chaotic, overwhelming, emotional, painful and confusing. It was unfathomable. Everything about our lives changed in an instant. Time stopped. I spent the day trying to process and simply keep up with each moment. Paramedics, police officers, death investigators, family, pastors, friends, and neighbors. The house was full of people and phone calls. Together we processed the shock. 

When I went to bed that night, I was alone for the first time. It was a moment to be silent and still. I lay under the covers, exhausted and emotional. I turned my attention to Satish and asked “Where are you?” 

Immediately, I felt warmth and comfort. The light of his smile and the sound of his laugh filled me. Everything was about to be explained. 

At that moment, I felt his soul separate. All the good and sacred pieces of him were released from his body and rejoined with a massive cosmic energy source of pure love. The bits that were never meant to be contained were set free. As if they were just on loan, like a good library book. The story was complete. I was witnessing a homecoming. 

What remained in his body was all his humanness. The judgment, hurt, fear, anxiety, and perfectionism stayed in their human form. Then, they simply died.

With my eyes closed, I lay in my bed and watched this energy shift. At that moment, and for the first time, I saw Satish with all his strengths and none of his flaws. I saw who he truly was. He was magical. 

Then suddenly, the roles were reversed. Not only could I see him, but he could see me. Without his judgment, shame, or guilt attached – he could see the true me. It was like both a mirror and a window, showcasing the unfiltered love in each of us. It was as if I had taken the deepest and most fulfilling breath of my life. We were known. 

The knowing is a place deep inside of us that is free from shame or judgment. It’s the place where our true and authentic selves exist. Where we are liberated from the boundaries and expectations that society artificially places on us. The knowing is a place void of deficiencies and abundant with love. 

For the past year, I have been exploring what it is like to live with this part of myself exposed. I’ve been experimenting with listening to the knowing first, rather than the flawed and cruel parts of our humanity. I have tried to erase the word “should” from my vocabulary, snuffing out the shame that it fuels. I have attempted to see people through the lens of curiosity and compassion, rather than judgment and skepticism. I have wondered and dreamt about what could be possible if knowing was a collective. 

None of it has been easy.

Satish’s death was a paradox. It was the source of my greatest pain and also my greatest joy. Each day I live in deep gratitude for the lessons tragedy taught.

Through loss, I found the knowing.